3 AM THOUGHTS

Hello, it’s me. It’s been a long time since I have posted on this blog and no one might even bother reading and visiting my blog but it’s okay because it’s dormant for months now.

Maybe I should convert this to my own diary?

It’s way past midnight. I cannot sleep. Thoughts are running endlessly.

You know, my menstrual period is delayed for days now. I have been thinking am I pregnant? Is this for real? Will I be able to do it again? Getting pregnant again is what scares me the most. Yes, the child is a blessing but raising a child is not easy. It’s a responsibility that I know I cannot and won’t do well.

It’s funny because this is a parenting blog but look what I am saying.

It’s easy to bathe and feed a child. But how about raising that child to be a contented, happy, responsible, kind, and God-fearing person? How about letting that child live a happy life with no trauma from the past? How about giving that child the love and affection that it deserves when you, yourself, know that you are still healing from your past?

I am not being selfish when I say I don’t want kids anymore. I know that we are not financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically capable of having another child at this moment. I still worry about Elijah’s future. I worry about our future. I worry a lot and it is not healthy for another child to grow into this world with no assurance that it will have a better life.

I gave birth at an early age. I was not thinking. It was a roller coaster ride. It was fun. It was hard. It’s what made me who I am today. It’s a journey that I would gladly do all over again even if the timing was not right. That journey made me realize that child-rearing doesn’t stop when you are out of breastmilk. Child-rearing is so much more about cuddles and bedtime stories. Parenting is hard work. Parenting is a responsibility.

I find it selfish that we allow kids to grow up and then blame them for everything when things go south. I mean, we are all healing. We need healing from all the trauma that we don’t know we had. We do not have to pass these on to our kids because they deserve better. We all deserve better.

Scared. Anxious. All these thoughts running in my head just because my menstrual period is delayed.

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